


Old Eyes

by MayLovelies



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recovery, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayLovelies/pseuds/MayLovelies
Summary: Despite how he feels, Hide continues to live for Kaneki. That changes however when he is met with the reality of living for someone who no longer cares for you.//Hide is still dedicated to living his life for Kaneki, however that changes when he learns the true pain of living for someone who wouldn't do the same.





	Old Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So like--i wanted to take a break from 'Keep Your Head Up', but still basically recylced Carlton and Hide's friendship. I think I'm gonna make this a semi multi-chaptered fic. So not to long, or idk--who knows. Def wanna write the next chapter. Anyway, wanted to touch up on Hide and Kaneki's relationship and how i feel kaneki basically strings Hide along, and how hide devotes himself to kaneki after everything. But there is also another relationship in the manga that mirrors that, that i'll talk about.

“Alright…” Hide breathed into the phone. “I’ll be there.”  
  
“Thank you, Nagachika. I know what this means to you; I will mean a lot to Kaneki if you come.”    
  
The line ended and Marude’s voice went silent. As cold as he was, Marude was wise enough to know the tension that now existed between Hide and Kaneki. That night, Kaneki was being promoted to assistant director of the CCG, while Tsukiyama was being named ambassador. It was going to be a big night and all the investigators were expected to come.  
  
Hide especially.  
  
He groaned.  How long could he keep this up? Pretending to smile at Kaneki’s accomplishments only to crash and falter when he was behind closed doors. Hide kept reminding himself that being a good friend came with its own downfalls but that was the thing—should a good, healthy friendship make him feel this way? So lonely?  


Currently, Hide found himself walking through a familiar park on his way home. It was a shortcut he took as a child. Now, when he wanted to get away from the CCG or just the bustling city, he went this way often. The sun only had a couple of hours until it set and Hide had to return home to get a bite to eat before the event. It was then however, as he walked, Hide felt something wet on the back of his leg. Turning around, he near jumped when he saw a tiny dog nibbling on his pants. His heart,  skipping a few beats, slowed when he realized this dog was harmless; even more so when he started to realize who this dog belonged to. She was a Shiba Inu, and Hide knew only one Shiba Inu owner who frequented this park.  
  
“Sorry. She tends to get loose sometimes.” A soft and uninterested voice sounded from not too far away from Hide. He was not at all shocked to look up and see Hirako standing there. The Shiba ran back toward him, circling around his legs. “It’s okay. I don’t mind dogs, she’s friendly anyway. You’re taking her out on a walk?” Well that’s obvious. Hide thought.  
  
Take’s face, as usual remained the same and he simply nodded. “Are you going to the ceremony tonight?” He asked, though he already knew the answer. All the investigators knew that for Kaneki, Hide would do anything no matter how much it pained him.  
  
“Yeah! I’m gonna be there for Kaneki—I’m so proud of him. I presume you’re going as well, Mr. Hirako? I know a lot of people expect you to be there.”  


His face remained expressionless but he spoke. “I haven’t decided. There are still a lot of things I need to sort out before I go.”  


The two continued to walk down the path and Hide fell into deep thought. Hirako’s tone had changed drastically, and if anything he sounded sad. Hide wondered just what “things” he needed to sort out. The two didn’t know each other that well ; he’d seen him countless times at the CCG but rarely if ever, did they talk. If anything, it seemed Hirako’s presence at the CCG was becoming less and less…frequent.  


“I think I’m going to get a bite to eat before I go. It’s a pain, I didn’t want to spend any money—”  


“We have leftovers at home, if you’d like to come over for dinner.” The request seemed out of the blue and almost forced. But Hide smiled—it did beat going all the way home or to a café. “Sure!”  
  
Walking to car didn’t take long. Take started the engine and they were on the road. Things were silent, save for Shiba’s panting in the background. Hide was kept to himself until he willed himself to speak, still curious about what Hirako meant from before. “Earlier you said you were sorting some things out…what were you talking about?” Hide knew he was treading on thin ice, but he was intrigued. Hirako cleared his throat for; his eyes focused on the road though Hide could see a slight change in expression.  
  
“I’m quitting the CCG soon. In a month or so. It’s under wraps but I don’t mind telling you.”  
Hide nearly gasped. “Why? You’re a special class investigator?”  


“Because, I’m tired.” He responded in all honesty. “I’m tired of living for someone else’s dreams. You must know how that feels, Nagachika.”    
  
That accusation hit Hide like a bolt of lightening yet, he couldn’t say a word against it. Hirako was right—all the investigators who saw how he paraded around Kaneki like a lost puppy knew. “Yeah…I know how it feels.” Hide didn’t really care if he was self incriminating anymore, it was damn good to find someone who felt the same way he did. But in what context; he wasn’t sure. Hirako was close to Kaneki, but not at all that close. Perhaps it was Arima he referenced.  


“Then why do you keep on?” Take asked, his voiced slicing through Hide’s thoughts like a knife. “You don’t have to be there for Kaneki if he is hurting you. That can take a lot out of you, Nagachika. You’re smart…don’t end up stuck in a situation where you’re bound to Kaneki to the point of denying your own happiness.”  


Nervously, Hide twiddled his thumbs before he spoke again.  


“Was it Arima…who…who you were close to? Like Kaneki and I? I knew you two were close and I heard some things but—”  


“Yeah.” Hirako responded softly. “It was. I didn’t love him the same way you loved Kaneki but, I followed him. I dedicated so much of my life to someone who I know…wouldn’t do the same for me. Now I have to learn how to live again, and love again.” Take exhaled as he and Hide pulled up to the driveway. “You have the chance to be something else Nagachika…don’t let your life slip past you for Kaneki. Don’t end up like me.”  


Take was the first to get out of the car followed by Hide. He wondered just what that meant ‘don’t end up like me’...

  
Did his relationship and devotion to Arima take more from him than he was letting off? Hirako was empty, emotionless and more than anything bland. He was void of happiness—even a little smile. He’d served Arima for so many years, and then Kaneki…would Hide end up like that? A soulless abyss of his former self?

 

It was at that moment, the door to the house opened as Shiba ran past them to get in. Standing in the walkway as a shorter young man who looked no older than Hide. He sported blue hair, glasses and wore a long sleeved shirt. Upon seeing the dog, he knelt down to pick her up, pausing when he saw Hide in the distance.  
  
He waved at Hide right before running off to greet Hide and Hirako. “You’re back early Take!”  
  
“Shiba wasn’t willing to walk all that much today, so there was no point of staying long—this is Hide, I’m not sure if you’ve met him.”  
  
“I’ve seen him from time to time. I don’t come to the CCG often but I’ve seen you in passing. I presume you’re here for dinner. Sometimes Kuramoto comes over—with the blond hair you kind of look like him! Take would you like anything; you’re going to the ceremony tonight, right?”  


By this time, Take had already stepped into the house. He gazed at the young man and then shared one last glance at Hide before shaking his head. “I can make a plate for myself later. I think I’ll stay home tonight.”  Within moments, he was gone, leaving Hide to speak with this energetic, happy young man. Hide supposed that he was a friend of Take’s. He placed Shiba down and let her run around the property. In silence, he and Hide stood next to one another until Hide spoke.

 

“I apologize for the intrusion. I’m guessing you weren’t aware I was coming over.”

 

“Oh no need to! The fact that Take is actually talking to people and inviting them over means he’s making progress. He’s stepping out of his comfort zone. It’s a good thing. ” He nudged Hide’s arm. “Let’s go in! You can help me heat up dinner. My name is Carlton by the way, but please call me Carl!” It was an odd name, but Hide could tell he was a foreigner; only by the accent (and now the name) otherwise he looked like he was from around Tokyo.                      

 

When they arrived inside the house, Hirako was nowhere to be found, which was odd to Hide but he helped set up the table despite it just being the two of them. They ate and much to Hide’s delight, the food was delicious. A few moments passed and Hide helped clean the plates.

 

“The event isn’t until later on tonight--are you going to? Or are you sitting out like Take?” Carl had asked; now he and Hide sat in the dining room, Hide still in deep thought about the situation.

 

“I promised Marude I’d go.”

 

“You don’t sound like you want to go.” Carl  spoke again. “And from what I’ve heard about you--you probably shouldn’t be going.”

 

Hide chuckled a bit. “Didn’t know that I was gossiped about among investigator circles.” He lied.

 

“Well, it’s hard not to gossip with someone you’re married too.” He shrugged. “Let’s just say Take’s worried about you and...he sees himself in you. That’s what he told me at least.”

 

_Married? He’s married._ As odd as it was, given this was a very energetic person, Hide was in a way happy for Hirako. He looked so sad and disheveled yet, he wasn’t alone. He had someone to come home to every day, unlike Hide. Still, the car conversation...his absence at the CCG. There were still some things off about him.

 

“Since Arima...and since Kaneki, things haven’t been well for him. Mentally that is...I think he fears the same will happen to you.” It was an ominous warning but Hide couldn’t ignore it.

 

“What happened to Hirako after Arima...after everything?” Hide asked; it had been biting at him for about an hour now.

 

There was a slight flicker of uncertainty in the young man’s eyes and then, he continued. “Take dedicated his whole life to Arima. You see, he grew up in an abusive household and never really...knew how to be independent and because of that, he just latched on to Arima. I never knew whether or not Arima was being malicious but, Take was devoted to him and he ended up--denying himself happiness because of it.” He sighed, his eyes still resting on Hide. “After Arima’s ‘death’, Hirako dedicated himself to Kaneki, why? Because that’s what Arima wanted. During that time--Take had forsaken his relationships with his friends and those who cared about him, even before Arima’s staged death....he’d denied himself of so many things and one day it hit him that….Arima wouldn’t ever do the same for him…”

 

He went on speaking and as he did so, Hide started to feel worse than before. “See, one thing Arima and Kaneki have in common, is that they abandon people when they no longer need them. People who have dedicated their lives to the two of them.”

 

Hide, nervously tapping his foot on the floor, willed himself to speak. “Did things ever get better for Hirako? He seems to be doing well now?”

 

“Well, he had a mental breakdown--a bad one. After pushing away people like Itou, Ui, Kuroiwa...and me...to continue on Arima and Kaneki’s foolish dream, he was alone and broken. Eventually, he tried to take his own life.”  Hide’s heart nearly dropped to his stomach. He remembered there was a time where Hirako was gone for a while, and recently did he start to see him again. During that whole time, was he in the hospital? Was he getting help?

 

“You seem so vibrant and full of life Hide. Take never was but you are. He tells me so much about you and what Kaneki has done to you. I’ve always wanted to meet you and now know you are such a kind person. But, you still seem so...hooked on to Kaneki, like Take was Arima and it will kill you. Kaneki is married, no?”

 

“He is but…” Hide didn’t know what to say. The last thing he expected was to be lectured by Take’s spouse, but he needed it. Take’s life story was frankly terrifying and Hide would be lying if he’d told himself that sometimes, he didn’t feel emotionally drained being around Kaneki, Touka and Ichika. He trailed around them so much but for what? To end up abandoned at the end? Hell, he already was abandoned.

 

Carl continued to stare at him, his eyes sympathetic behind his glasses.

 

“I wish it was that easy…” Hide spoke. “It isn’t just the event tonight; I promised to go to his promotion tonight...I can’t miss it. Also, there a lot of other things as well.” There were the rumors floating around that despite being married, Kaneki was sleeping with Hide. Sadly those weren’t really rumors, as Hide had been guilty of coming to Kaneki’s bed when Kaneki “needed” him. That made him far less tasteful in Touka and the other ghoul’s eyes.

 

“Hey, would you like me to go to the event with you?”

 

Those words took Hide out of his guilt filled thoughts and he peered at Carlton from across the table. “Take isn’t going--he’s not one for those types of things but I am! And if you don’t want to go alone, I wouldn’t mind going with you.”

 

Hide paused. He already didn’t want to go, but going alone--with all Hirako told him and the way he felt--that would be torture. Truth be told, Hide saw Hirako as inspiration. He was so devoted to Arima yet, he moved past it--he got married. What if Hide could be like that? What if he let Kaneki go--finally, and found someone or something he loved. What if he lived for himself?

 

“It may be a little awkward...You know if you go with me, people may not like you that much.” Hide himself was rather shunned by Kaneki’s friends; he didn’t want Carlton to feel the same.

 

“I don’t care about what people think, as long as you aren’t alone. Through conversation and meeting you, I’ve come to like you Hide. And who knows, maybe we’ll make Kaneki jealous.” That was supposed to be a joke, but deep down inside, Hide wanted it to be true. It would be great to see Kaneki yearning for him. Carlton had already gone upstairs; informing Take that he’d be going with Hide. Within moments, Carlton was already downstairs practically pulling Hide’s arm and leading him toward the door. Hirako stood in the doorway after they’d exited the house; Carlton and Hide gave him a wave. Hide could swear that he saw him smile.

 

Carlton revved the engine and they were on the road. They stopped by Hide’s house so he could change and not seconds later were on their way to the CCG.

**Author's Note:**

> so anyway! hope you enjoyed. this is like gonna be 5-10 chapters. i'm kind'a excited to write the next part. anyway, if you enjoyed please comment and tell me what you think so i can be encouraged to continue lmao. but yeah i totally like to juxtapose kaneki and arima--they are quite literally the same. also, for the sake of this fic; arima is also alive.
> 
> And also, I have a tumblr [cloud-chimes](https://cloud-chimes.tumblr.com/)! Please follow if you like tg content lmao. I actually post happy hidekane content there. save for this story which you'll prob see lmao.


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